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The Celebrity Apprentice: TV Gets Good Again
Well well well well well.

Just when we'd started reading books again.

Donald Trump, the schmarmiest privileged white male alive, understands one thing.  Money.  This is what makes him Donald Trump.  And though his smirk makes our skin crawl, his show, on occasion, blows our mind.  If we will pardon our total ignorance of the whole economic system thing, this is our budget for the success of The Apprentice:

1 Rich Asshole (check.)
2 Heirs to his Throne (now that we've fired employees with questions)
14 star-eyed upstarts with business degrees (or "street smarts")
2 teams
1 No-Fail Concept (put rats in a rat race, stir.)

Pretty good, right? 

And since this math equation is turning into a recipe, let's explore how Donald got his dough to rise.

Remember Omarosa?  The Donald realized that Sociopathic Vanity makes Money (which, incidentally, is why we watch reality television.)  Then there was Chris. The tobacco-chewing go-getter in need of serious anger management.  I tried to find a clip of his outbursts, but no luck (I didn't look very hard).  I did however discover that he was busted for shouting at some Casino employees for charging him for his cocktails.  Here is his mugshot:

With the exception of this lady killer (and we are probably being literal here), the Don just couldn't squeeze enough Crazy out of his Harvard MBA douche bags.  This was roughly the time that he introduced The Celebrity Apprentice.

I wasn't very interested in the last season of Celeb Apprentice.  The D was still figuring things out.  His Reality TV was bland and he was just adding salt.  The Celebs weren't Celeb enough, weren't edgy enough, weren't "reality" enough.

Then he added a dash of everything else on the spice rack.

Here's his new line-up.

Bill Goldberg (football and wrestling hot shot)
Curtis Stone (Master Chef and Organics enthusiast)
Carol Leifer (allegedly funny gal)
Sharon Osbourne (who could win this thang. love the sharon. her Quote on the website is "I don't play well with other women, and I can be the nastiest bitch in the world." )
Summer Sanders (swimmer...)
Selita Ebanks (babe.)
Darryl Strawberry (Genius. Legend. All-around nice guy.  Also a serious contender.)
Holly Robinson Peete (of Hangin' with Mr. Cooper fame)
Maria Kanellis (wrestling babe)
Michael Johnson (fast dude)
Rod Blagojevich (political renegade)
Cyndi Lauper (badass, megababe)
Sinbad (I wonder if the Donald will make him change out of his trademark flamboyant jumpsuits when he comes into the boardroom)
and last but certainly MOST,
the one,
the only,
our hero,
our rock of love...

That's right, ladies, it's Bret Michaels!!

His eyes are like roofies.

We guess his fake love for Tia is stronger than we imagined.  There is no talk of another Rock of Love bus, but Bret does intend to stay on television for as long as we'll let him.  Rumours are that The Bret Michaels Show is in the works.  But if this guy doesn't understand what we love (Clip Missing. Youtube is bone dry for this stuff. Insert scene of drunken girls partying like CRAZY.) about Rock of Love Bus, this could be one long mud-wrestling slut match.  (The bad kind, fellas.)

Anyway, it's kick-off time and we are hoping that Mr. Michaels has more than a few good ideas under that bandana, because we'd hate to see him go too soon.  We just got him back. 

Welcome back, Bret.

We missed you.

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"Alright, men, go back to your war room."

Bret is their leader.

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